


We Break Each Other's Hearts and then Our Own

by emperorpenguin (dortmundbvbbabe)



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Injury (Past), Making Up, NHL Trade(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:34:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27580757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dortmundbvbbabe/pseuds/emperorpenguin
Summary: Two years ago, Leon and Matthew were so in love, but after Matthew lays a horrific hit on Leon, causing a career-altering injury, they break up. Now, with his career on the decline Leon finds himself traded to the Calgary Flames to play along side the man he used to love and the man responsible for his injury. Somehow, two years and a career-changing injury aren't enough to bury the feelings from the past.
Relationships: Leon Draisaitl/Matthew Tkachuk
Comments: 8
Kudos: 201
Collections: Hockey Big Bang (2020)





	We Break Each Other's Hearts and then Our Own

**Author's Note:**

> This is my HBB fic for this year, following in last year's pattern you can probably see recurring themes, but with a new couple. Special thank you to [Stag](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stag) for creating the amazing fan mix to accompany this fic [ here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5piylDn6cqm0JrbvVn3yhp?si=plZ_eqglS6OG6LsgDoexxw).
> 
> Also special thank you to the HBB mods for another wonderful year.

Matthew’s heart sank as he saw the news article that Brady was waving in his face. With a trade so substantial and so personal he would have thought and hoped that the GM would have at least given him a phone call beforehand to prepare himself for the fallout, but here he was sitting poolside at his parent’s home in St. Louis staring at the Sportsnet headline. 

**Sportsnet: Draisaitl to Flames for Lucic, Draft Picks**

The article continued on comparing Leon’s trade to the Flames to Brandon Manning’s trade to the Oilers. But it wasn’t the equivalent, it wasn’t even damn near close because Matthew was pretty sure that the last time that Brandon and Connor had spoken hadn’t ended in someone screaming, “Meeting you was the worst thing to ever happen to me. You ruined my life.” 

Matthew wondered if ruining someone’s life also meant being partially responsible for a trade from the team that drafted him to the rival team. He was pretty sure that was just another thing that Leon was adding to the list of ways that Matthew had destroyed his life. 

“What are you going to do?” Brady asked, chewing on his bottom lip in a way that didn’t suit him. 

Matthew shrugged, “Treat him like any other teammate.”

And that was the problem because no matter how much of a professional that he was and no matter how hard he tried, Leon was never going to be “any other teammate”. There was too much history between them, too much pain, clumsy childhood first loves, and hurt to last a lifetime for them to be teammates to each other. 

Matt got off the lounge chair and headed inside. He knew that it would be a matter of minutes before his father heard about the trade and would want to talk to Matthew about it. “I better make a few phone calls,” Matthew said with a forced nonchalance.

He headed inside and pulled up Leon’s phone number in his contacts. His thumb hovered over the number before he pressed it. The phone rang once before heading to voicemail. “Hey, this is Matthew, uh, Tkachuk, I just wanted to say welcome to the team, and you know, I’m here if you want to talk. So, yeah, my number is still the same.”

Matthew hung up the phone with the feeling that Leon wouldn’t return his call, even though he kept it close to him for the rest of the time in St. Louis on the off chance that it rang. 

It didn’t.

It had been two years since he’d talked to Leon, properly talked to Leon and as he boarded the flight back to Calgary, Matthew knew it would be a matter of days before he saw him again. Matthew knew that feelings that he’d repressed for the past two years would float to the surface when he saw him again. Spending time in Leon’s orbit had that effect on people and Matthew was hardly immune. 

Matthew knew that Leon had landed, he watched his Instagram stories from a fake account that he’d created after the breakup. He told himself it was just to keep a tab on Leon, to make sure that he was healing okay, but in reality, it was the only way that he could stay in Leon’s life, even if it was only through a fake social media account. 

As expected, Leon hadn’t reached out to him, but when he got a message from their PR people asking him to come early for a joint press conference ahead of the start of training camp. 

“It wasn’t my idea,” Matthew said, “Having this press conference.”

“I know,” Leon replied, “it makes for a really fucking good story line though.”

“What?” Matthew asked. 

“The injury, the fall from grace, getting traded to your rival team with the guy who ruined your career as your captain, makes for a pretty fucking great story,” Leon said bitterly. 

The words caused Matthew to flinch. He’d been referred to as so many thing by Leon. A friend when they first started dating, then a boyfriend when they both realized what they had was enough to stick, and now he was the guy who ruined Leon’s career.

“I do really want you to be happy here,” Matthew said. 

Leon just snorted. Calgary wasn’t exactly paradise, but Matthew had grown to love it over the past several seasons, he hoped that Leon could find a home there as well. 

Leon fished out his phone and started scrolling through Instagram, effectively ending any opportunity for Matthew to talk to him. 

They were ushered to the table where placards were set up with their names and they were briefly introduced by the moderator. Leon was stiff, clearly on-guard for any charged questions to be thrown his way. 

“Matthew, how does it feel having a player like Leon come to the team?”

This was a softball question.

“We’re extraordinarily lucky to have him here,” Matthew said truthfully, “His hockey IQ is among the best of the league and he’s easily been in the Top 5 players in the NHL for the past couple of years.”

“Leon, what are your first impressions of Calgary?”

“Well, I’ve been here a couple of times before and I’ve spent some time here before, so I’ve mostly been trying to finish moving in and just learn my way around the city,” Leon said. 

“This is a question for both of you, but you’ve had a very publicized rivalry especially after your injury two years ago, how do you think that will impact the team and your relationship with your captain.”

Leon flinched. This was the question that Matthew knew was inevitable and also the one he least wanted to answer.

“It’s in the past,” Leon said, “Matthew has always played a tough game and that’s why he stands out in the league, my injury was just an effect of that. He reached out to me after the injury and he apologized and that was two years ago.”

 _Oh_. Leon had listened to his voicemail, the many voicemails that Matthew had left on his phone after Leon’s surgery. He hadn’t known that. 

“Matthew?” 

“Uh, I don’t really have much to say on that matter, it was an accident, we’ve both moved forward,” Matthew shrugged. He’d moved forward but he certainly hadn’t moved on.

“Certainly, the effects of the injury have an impact on your relationship though,” a reporter pressed on. And despite Matthew’s usually good relationship with the media, at least the local media, he wanted to snap at the reporter. A quick glance over at Leon showed that he didn’t appreciate the question either. 

“I’ll buy him a couple of drinks and we’ll all be good,” Matthew tried to play it off as a joke and Leon even forced a laugh, but it didn’t land quite right. 

The more personal questions about their relationship fostered an irritation in both Matthew and Leon and by some miracle the PR person fielded a few more questions before telling the reporters to wrap it up. 

Leon stayed for a few minutes, talking to the PR reps for a bit before he headed out of the room. Matthew jogged to catch up to him, “Hey, I meant what I said.”

“What? The part about being happy that I’m here, or the part where you thought you could make everything better with a few drinks.”

“About being happy that you’re here,” Matthew said, “I think we’ll have a good season this year. And I mean, I don’t think a couple of drinks will fix everything, I _know_ it won’t fix everything, but if that’s something you’d be interested in…” The invitation was there, it was in Leon’s court now. 

But throughout the entire press conference, Leon had barely spared him a glance. So Matthew shouldn’t have been surprised when Leon just brushed off the suggestion. “Thanks, but I’m good.” The ambivalence that he said it with was the worst part. Matthew had expected anger. That was the last he’d heard of him, when he’d called him over and over again, just hoping for a chance to talk to him, to explain himself, to just see how Leon was doing. 

“I hope that we can exist together on the team,” Matthew said diplomatically, “And going out as a team, too.”

“I’m a professional, Matthew,” Leon said, “I’ve had teammates that I’ve disliked before and I’ve been fine then. I’ll be fine now.”

Matthew wanted to tell him he wanted things to be more than fine. He wanted them to go beyond tolerating each other to actually being friends again if not more. But Matthew wasn’t delusional. He was pretty sure that he’d closed that chapter in that book. Brady had had to explain that to him that summer after months of silence from Leon. He’d sat down next to him on their boat after taking it out on the lake and had explained to Matthew that Leon didn’t want anything from him other than to be left alone. 

He didn’t want an apology. He didn’t want Matthew to fly out and stay with him and cook him meals and care for him. He didn’t want Matthew’s love anymore and he didn’t want his friendship. In Matthew’s mind he’d been playing hockey, but in Leon’s mind he’d done the unforgivable. 

It had taken every ounce of willpower for Matthew to not book a flight to Edmonton and just show up at Leon’s door. But Brady, Taryn, and even his mother had talked him out of it. He had made a decision and he had to pay the consequences for that. 

So instead of telling Leon that he wanted more, that he wanted to hash things out, reopen old wounds, Matthew just settled on saying, “Okay.”  
  


Matthew tries to be a good captain and for the most part he thinks he is. Two years ago he started to clean up his act. It was a wake up call, and suddenly after the hit, all the voices and opinions that he said he’d never care about mattered to him. Leon mattered more than anyone, but he hadn’t talked to him. Then it was his father who was livid with him. Then Brady and Taryn who were disappointed in him. Then the opinions of his teammates. Then came everyone else. 

And everyone gave him varying shades of disapproval. Maybe not for the hit itself, but for everything that followed afterwards. It was a rule that Matthew had never heard of. A rule that everyone who didn’t have a dad named Keith Tkachuk seemed to know. You don’t hit the people you love full force like that. Matthew had to learn that the hard way. Leon had become a taboo topic after that summer. Matthew had never been the type of guy to always talk about his boyfriend, but Leon used to come up in conversation the way any long-term partner would. After that summer, Matthew never brought Leon up unless he was directly asked. 

“Was it worth it?” Gio had asked him once after Matthew had downed a few beers. Gio had been one of the biggest supporters of their relationship, always wanting to extend invitations to Leon to come to family events even if he knew that Leon wouldn’t be able to make it anyways.

“Nope,” Matthew had replied, answering the question that had bugged him all summer long after he actually accepted that his relationship was over. He’d tried to make more measured hits afterwards, tried to be a little kinder with his chirps, but he also knew that he’d been playing the same game for over a decade and it wasn’t so easy to change his ways. After Gio retired, he’d been offered the captaincy and he tried to make an effort to welcome all the rookies and the recent trades to Alberta. Overall, he was a pretty good captain. He just wasn’t a good captain when it came to Leon. He didn’t have any authority over him- not that he had any real authority over the others, but for some being a captain carried a weight to it. 

Throughout training camp, Leon grabbed a stall on the other end of the locker room. It was deliberately as far away from Matthew as possible. He was still trying to navigate his way around the team and the social groups that naturally arose within the team. Most of them tried to engage him in conversation; occasionally, someone dared to ask him what it was like to play with Connor McDavid. Afterall, the new rookies had grown up idolizing Connor the way that he and Brady had looked up to Crosby and Malkin. 

Leon flinched slightly but he always dignified them with a response. “I’ll never play with anyone like him again,” he said. It was true. Nobody on the Flames could compete with Connor McDavid on an individual level, Matthew didn’t even try to. With Leon, though, there was a sadness and melancholy to his answer that Matthew picked up on. At first, Matthew had thought that there was an internal competition between Leon and Connor on the Oilers vying for the number one spot, but early on in their relationship, Matthew had learned that they both just wanted the best for each other and for their team. Not only had the trade taken Leon from his home and his team, but also his best friend, and from what Matthew had heard from Mitch over the years, Connor had never been the best at keeping in touch with people. Matthew fished out his phone and texted Connor.

To: Connor 

_Can you please check in on Leon. He misses you_. 

Matthew knew Connor wouldn’t respond to him. At best, their relationship had been tenuous, a mutual pact to get along because of Leon, but after the injury all gloves were off. Connor had pointedly ignored Matthew’s pleas for updates on Leon’s condition. Matthew was pretty sure he’d even blocked his number at one point from all the texts that he’d received. But not only had Matthew’s hit caused Leon to get injured, it had also dashed the Oilers’ shot at the cup that year. He had been envious that Connor had been the one to be by Leon’s side during the recovery instead of him, but he had also been grateful that Leon hadn’t been alone. 

“Do you want to grab dinner with us later?” Mikael asked. 

“Thanks, but I still have a few things to unpack,” Leon said politely. The veneer of the excuse was kind, but Matthew saw the rejection for what it was. He noticed the disappointment on some of the rookies faces, but he also knew that Mikael was persistent and if Leon needed a little bit of space to adjust to the team and Calgary and being around Matthew, the least Matthew could do is allow him the space and time. 

But even as more teammates tried to envelop Leon into their plans, Leon held them politely at a distance. Matthew overheard his excuses and there were times when he was pretty sure they were legitimate while there were others were completely fabricated and Matthew was nearly certain that it was due to him also being invited. 

After a week of declined invitations, Matthew waved Leon down to a spare training room after practice.

“Is there a problem?” Leon said, glaring at Matthew. 

“You should take them up on their offers,” Matthew said.

Leon’s jaw squared off, “I didn’t realize that it was a captain’s job to care about the social lives of their teammates.”

“It’s not, but I care… about the team dynamics,” Matthew said. He was so close to slipping up and saying that he cared about Leon. Leon seemed to notice the hesitation 

“I won’t go,” Matthew promised, “But I think you could use some friends right now.”

“They aren’t interested in being friends,” Leon said, “They’re interested in knowing Leon Draisaitl, the former Hart Trophy winner, formerly Connor McDavid’s linemate and he’s gone.”

“I disagree,” Matthew said. Leon’s words had hit as he’d intended, “They’re good guys, and they just want you to feel welcomed and included. So please consider it, I won’t force you and I’m giving you space, but I think it would be good for you.”

“Are we done here?” Leon asked with his arms crossed.

“Yeah,” Matthew said.

“Cool, see you at practice, _Captain_ ,” Leon said as he headed back to the locker room to get changed. 

“Fuck,” Matthew said. 

It didn’t escape Matthew that the next day when Johnny was making lunch plans that Leon accepted. 

“You coming Chucky?” Johnny asked. Matthew glanced over at Leon and shook his head. 

“Nah, I’m just going to go home and take a nap,” Matthew said, “Have fun, though.”

Leon glanced over at him and nodded, and Matthew wanted to think that that was his way of thanking him. 

Later that day, Matthew saw a photo that Johnny had tagged Leon in and he smiled. Leon didn’t look happy perse, but he didn’t look miserable either and Matthew would take that as a win. 

“So I talked to Connor yesterday,” Leon said as he stood over Matthew’s locker stall. They were talking in hushed voices but Matthew felt the weight of their teammates glances on them. 

“Yeah?” Matthew said as he laced up his skates.

“Connor said that Edmonton isn’t my team anymore,” Leon said.

“He still cares about you,” Matthew said. 

“Yeah, but he’s not my captain anymore either,” Leon said. 

Matthew sighed, “I know.”

“But what you did yesterday was pretty captianly, so thanks, I guess,” Leon said, unable to meet Matthew’s gaze. If things were different, Matthew would have teased him for it, he would have said that Leon looked pained to say it. But Leon was clearly uncomfortable, and Matthew wasn’t going to rub it in. If anything he was grateful that Leon was just acknowledging him. 

“It looked like you guys had a fun time last night,” Matthew said.

“Yeah,” Leon said, and maybe it wasn’t like hanging out with Ethan and Connor and Kailer, but it had been nice.

“I know they really appreciated it,” Matthew said, “I really appreciated it too.”

For a moment Leon looked like he was going to throw it back into Matthew’s face but he stopped. He just nodded and headed back to his stall. It wasn’t a win, but it was something, and Matthew would take it. 

The real test, though, came a few days later when the whole team had made plans to meet up after work. It wasn’t something that Matthew was willing or able to miss as the captain, but he wasn’t sure if Leon was going to come as the invitation hung in the air.  
Leon glanced for a moment over at Matthew and Matthew could see the internal struggle going on inside. “Where at?” 

“We were planning on meeting at Boots around 6,” Mikael explained.

“Okay,” Leon said and Matthew breathes a sigh of relief at Leon’s answer. 

They met up later that night, having scheduled the drinks earlier in the night than usual since most of the guys had families and kids and couldn’t stay out until one in the morning like they used to be able to. 

They’re packed into tables towards the back of the place. They’re regulars enough that they’re given privacy in exchange for the occasional Instagram post for publicity. Matthew sat sandwiched between a rookie and Mikael and when Leon entered, his eyes were drawn to him like a magnet. It was almost unfair how good he looked in the dim lighting with his leather jacket and T-shirt that clung to him too tightly. 

He sat down at the table furthest from Matthew, surveying the bar before he headed to get a drink. 

Mikael bumped up against him, nudging him back into reality as Matthew tried to focus on the conversation. No matter what, though, he kept watching Leon. It wasn’t long before some girl approached him. She was beautiful and gently wrapped a hand around Leon’s upper arm. Matthew was envious of how forward she could be. In the years that he and Leon dated there was always a shroud of secrecy to their relationship. Their friends and family knew, but they had to go halfway around the world to be able to act as openly as they wanted. 

Matthew waited for Leon to disengage himself from the conversation, he waited for him to rejoin the rest of the team at the tables and bring back his drink, but he didn’t. Leon pulled her closer, leaning down to hear what she was saying over the noise of the music. 

Matthew gritted his teeth as he watched Leon pull her towards the back of the bar, tracking them with his eyes. 

“Matthew,” Mikael warned. It was easy for the rookies and the newer trades to know Leon as only a rival, but Mikael had been around for when Leon was more. He’d been introduced to Leon as Matthew’s boyfriend. He’d been there when Leon had come to some team dinners and when Leon had visited, he’d been acknowledged and welcomed as a partner. 

“Sorry guys, I think I’m going to call it an early night,” Matthew said as he put down a couple of dollars, enough to cover his drink and offer a generous tip. 

There were a couple of protests, but Mikael seemed to understand. 

“Just a little tired from practice, I’ll see you all in the morning,” Matthew said before he headed back to his apartment. He took a longer route home, appreciating the fact that the bar was within walking distance to his apartment. He knew he had no right to be upset with Leon. He knew that he had no claim to Leon, but it still hurt. And worse yet, it felt deliberate, like Leon was rubbing salt in an open wound. That made sense if he cared about Matthew, but if anything, Leon couldn’t care less. It was like the memories from all though years together had just been erased. 

The bruises on Leon’s back that Matthew saw at practice the next day just felt like they were taunting him.

“See something interesting, Tkachuk,” Leon asked after he caught Matthew staring. 

“It looks like you had a fun night,” Matthew said, trying to hide the bitterness that he felt.

“I did,” Leon said as he pulled his jersey on, glancing curiously at Matthew. 

Mikael just glanced between them and shook his head sadly. Matthew wasn’t sure if that was due to what Matthew had said or if it was the general situation between them. 

“Were you jealous?” Leon asked after practice, “Did you want it to be you who gave me the bruises?” He’d already gotten changed and was waiting to ambush Matthew outside of the locker room. 

“I shouldn’t have said anything,” Matthew said. 

Leon just rolled his eyes and scoffed. 

“What do you want from me?” Matthew asked.

“I don’t want to be here,” Leon said, “I don’t want to be on this team and I don’t want to be anywhere near you.”

“I’m trying to give you space,” Matthew said.

“What space?” Leon scoffed, “We don’t have any space from each other. We’re going to be sharing the same ice for the next six months, we’re going on road trips together.”  
“I know that,” Matthew said, “Don’t you think that I’m affected too?”

Leon rolled his eyes, “You don’t get to be the victim here. You ruined my life, if you hadn’t made that hit none of this would have happened, so I really don’t give a shit if your feelings are hurt or whatever. You made your bed now you have to lie in it.”

“If I hadn’t made that hit would we still be together?” Matthew asked.

“No,” Leon said definitively, “I couldn’t imagine being with someone as selfish and careless as you.”

And that was the hardest part of letting someone in. Leon had been the person who knew everything about Matthew. He knew all about his insecurities, he knew about all of his hopes and dreams, and above all else he knew how to hurt him. And that hurt. 

“Fuck you,” Matthew said and for moment, chagrin crossed over Leon’s face. He’d been passive aggressive and cranky and hurt and Matthew could understand that. He did understand it, but Leon went too far this time. “I’ve been trying to be a good teammate, I’ve been trying to give you space, but I’m hurt, too. I loved you so much and how it ended… I know you don’t want to be here.”

“Do you want me here?” Leon asked.

“I want you to be where you’re happy,” Matthew said, “so no because you’re not happy here, but not because _I_ don’t want _you_ here.”

“So what now?” Leon asked.

“We treat each other just like any other teammate,” Matthew proposed.

“But we aren’t,” Leon said.

“No,” Matthew agreed, “But we can try.”

And for a while that’s what they did. They formed a detente between the two of them, acting as linemates and teammates but giving each other a berth of space. Matthew tamped down the feelings of jealousy everytime Leon would show up to practice with obvious hickeys, but they were getting to a place where they could go out together with the rest of their teammates and not be at each other. Matthew half-suspected Leon felt somewhat guilty for what he’d said the other day. He hadn’t apologized and Matthew begrudgingly wondered if there was some truth to Leon’s words. They probably wouldn’t have survived the stress of a long-distance relationship and the vicious rivalry that ensued, but Matthew had changed over the past couple of years and maybe he had been selfish and careless before both with his gameplay and with their relationship, but neither of them were the same people that they once had been. So maybe things weren’t ideal and maybe they’d had to hash out the adjustment period between the two of them, but things were getting better. It wasn’t what Matthew wanted, and to be honest he didn’t even know what he really wanted, but it wasn’t this. 

Sometimes, though, Matthew swore that Leon still cared. He caught him a couple of times in the locker room, in the middle of taking his gear off listening in on Matthew’s conversations. Matthew couldn’t remember what he’d said to Mikael across the room but it was enough to make the boys laugh and when he glanced over to Leon, he saw the corners of his lips rise in the beginnings of a small smile. It was the first time that Matthew had seen it since Leon had been traded and certainly the first time that it had been directed in reference to something that Matthew had done. Matthew wished that he remembered what he’d said or done to warrant it. After they broke up, Matthew had thought that it was so easy for Leon to move on with his life, so simple for him to just cut him out and close the chapter on them. But maybe Leon’s feelings were just simply anger and hatred of him, maybe underneath all the hurt, anger, and pain Leon still cared about him to a certain extent. The thought followed Matthew home. He wasn’t sure if it was just his imagination or wishful thinking or if it was true. And even if it was, Matthew wasn’t sure what to do about it. 

* * *

It was clear almost immediately after Matthew went down. He staggered back to his feet, clutching at the edges of the boards to pull himself back up to his feet. Leon skated over to him after the whistle blew and the referees went to see to him. Leon wasn’t the first teammate to get to Matthew’s side but his heart sank when he saw Matthew shakily standing on his feet. The closer Leon got, the more that he could see that something was terribly wrong. It was almost instinctive that Leon rushed to Matthew’s side. All he could think about was checking on him, willing him to be okay. Upon closer inspection, though, Matthew’s eyes were glazed over, and despite Wes asking him if he was okay, Matthew was struggling to find words. “Come on,” Leon said as he grabbed Matthew’s sleeve and guided him off the rink.

“Fuck,” Matthew swore as he skated slowly off the ice, clutching at Leon to steady himself. 

There was a two-minute penalty assessed after Matthew reached the trainers and they guided him down the long hallway back to the dressing room. Leon didn’t know much about injuries, even though he’d been through a few himself, but he was almost certain that Matthew had a concussion. It was reminiscent of the concussion that he’d had in the 2020 playoffs. Back then things were different. Leon had texted him almost immediately after the collision, just hoping that Matthew would let him know that he was okay. It was an impossible situation that he was in Edmonton but couldn’t be with his boyfriend. He had had to be okay with the occasional update from Mark or the brief phone call when Matthew was feeling well enough. 

“He’ll be okay, right?” Hanny asked when Leon got off the ice to sit back on the bench until his next shift. 

“Yeah,” Leon said, “He’s a tough guy.” And Matthew was, but Leon also knew that concussions didn’t have a timetable. They were unpredictable and this was already the third that Leon knew of. 

“Are Chantal and Keith coming up?” Leon asked.

The trainer just shook his head, “Matthew said not to bother them.”  
“How bad is it?” Leon asked.

The trainer shrugged, “It’s hard to tell with things like this but he’ll probably be out for a week or two. It’s just a little concerning given his past history with concussions, but we’ll keep a close eye on him.”

“Who’s taking you home?” Leon directed towards Matthew, talking as quietly 

“I’ll probably just Uber back,” Matthew mumbled. 

“I’ll take him home,” Leon said in a tone that didn’t permit any further discussion, “Is there anything that I should watch out for?” 

“I mean if he gets worse take him to a hospital, but mostly just wake him up every once in a while and make sure he’s cognizant. Are you sure you want to do this though? We can find someone else.”

“It’s fine,” Leon said, “I’ll be right back and then I’ll take you home.”

Leon showered quickly while Matthew underwent a few more tests to ensure that he didn’t need to go to the hospital. 

“You ready?” Leon asked when he returned with his gear. They slowly made their way to his car, taking each step carefully with Leon right by Matthew’s side in case he stumbled.

Matthew had been quiet on the ride home and every once in a while Leon looked over to make sure he was still awake. His eyes were glazed over and he kept taking deep, measured breaths as the pain set in. The bright lights from the city street lights caused Matthew to flinch every now and then when they’d pass one particularly bright that triggered his light sensitivity. 

“Come on, let’s get you settled,” Leon said as he helped Matthew out of the car and towards his apartment. Even after all this time, it was still familiar to Leon. He helped Matthew sit down on his couch as he tried to make him comfortable. 

“You can leave, you know,” Matthew said, “This isn’t my first concussion.”

“Do you want me to?” Leon asked, “If you’d rather Hanny or someone was here instead I can call them.”

Matthew shrugged, “I don’t want you to not want to be here.”

“I’m fine,” Leon said. He glanced around the apartment. In the years since he’d last been there, not much had changed. It was carefully curated, clearly the effect of Matthew’s mother, but it didn’t feel like home. It didn’t feel lived in, it just felt like a residence, the same way that some hotels were for rookies. 

He helped Matthew take off his game day suit and eased him onto the bed. “Do you want Chantal and Keith to fly up?” Leon asked.

Matthew winced, “I don’t want to bother them.”

“I know they’re worried about you,” Leon said.

Matthew just snorted, “My dad’s worried about my statistics.”

Leon knew better than to argue with him, especially since he was hurt. He knew that Matthew’s relationship with his father was rocky, tethered and burdened by a shared love of hockey and the legacy of an All-Star parent. Leon also knew that despite Keith’s shortcomings and despite his inability to show it at times, he loved his son. “Okay, I’ll be back to check on you in a couple of hours.”

It seemed too domestic for how they were now. They were no better than strangers who had a past together, but Leon still cared about Matthew even after everything, despite everything that had happened to them. 

He closed the curtains in Matthew’s room and glanced over at the bed where Matthew had buried his face into the pillow in an attempt to gain some relief. 

Leon, himself, wasn’t tired yet and headed over to the couch where he quietly watched some television. He pulled out his phone, ignoring some questions from their teammates about Matthew’s condition, knowing full well they’d expect an update at practice tomorrow anyways. Instead, he pulled up Connor’s contact information and texted him.

To: Connor

_So… guess where I’m at?_

It took a few moments before Connor responded. 

To: Leon

_No. No. Absolutely not. Why?_

It was the question that Leon had himself. Why did he agree to this? There were other people who cared about Matthew. So why did he offer. 

To: Connor

 _I don’t know_.

This time, the reply was almost immediate. 

To: Leon

_I think you do._

To: Connor

_So what do I do?_

To: Leon

_Only you can answer that. I can’t tell you what to do._

After a few hours, he headed into Matthew’s bedroom to check on him. He was careful to not let too much light eek in and he gently shook Matthew awake.

“Hey, sorry, I have to wake you up,” Leon said. 

Matthew gently unfurled just a little, with pain that he was trying to hide etched on his face. 

“How are you feeling?” Leon asked.  
“I’ve been better,” Matthew said. In the dimness of the room, Leon could see tears in Matthew’s eyes and that scared him more than the news that he’d been diagnosed with a concussion. 

Leon gently sat down on the bed, “Hey, does your head hurt that much? Because if it does, I think we should go to the hospital.”

Matthew shook his head, “It’s not that.”

Leon reached out and offered a grounding hand to Matthew’s arm. “What’s wrong?”

“I ruined everything,” Matthew said, “And you’re here being nice and everything and I just keep thinking how two years ago, after your injury, you were all alone.”

“I wasn’t alone, Connor was there,” Leon said. He wasn’t intending to be hurtful, but the whole situation was painful, even two years later, “Besides, I didn’t want you there. This, though, is a conversation for another time, okay?”

Matthew lay back down, but Leon could see, maybe for the first time since he’d been traded, how much the incident weighed on Matthew. Maybe it was because the concussion had lowered Matthew’s guard, or maybe it was because Leon had offered a sort of olive branch by helping Matthew out, but this was the first real conversation they’d had that wasn’t about their teammates or hockey. 

As Leon was leaving the room, though, something stood out to him. On top of Matthew’s night stand was the front page of the Calgary Herald from about a year and a half ago. 

Leon glanced at the news clipping. 

**Edmonton’s Draisaitl: Tkachuk doesn’t deserve to be in the League**

A poem that Leon once read came to mind. The axe forgets, but the tree remembers. He had forgotten about that for a while. He picked up the newspaper and took it to the guest bedroom. He read the article over and over again, reading some of the things that he’d said that he didn’t even remember. 

The words that Leon had said to the media of all people were inked onto that paper. It was a declaration or war between Edmonton and Calgary. Each team had taken the mantle of their teammate. For Leon and the Oilers it was about revenge; for Matthew and the Flames it was about absolution. In Leon’s pain, he didn’t realize how much pain Matthew had been and how much pain that he’d caused. 

His own culpability was hard to admit. It would have been easier to talk to Matthew or at least ask for space, but instead he’d dug his fingers into the invisible bruises that Matthew had been punishing him for anyways. He crumpled the article up and threw it in Matthew’s trash where it should have been thrown years ago. 

He woke Matthew up twice more during the night, checking on his vitals and making sure he wasn’t exhibiting any of the signs that the trainer had warned him about. 

In the morning, he cooked up some scrambled eggs in the hope that Matthew would have enough of an appetite for some food. 

“Hey, I made you some food in case you're hungry,” Leon whispered as he shook Matthew awake, “Try and eat something so you aren’t taking your meds on an empty stomach later, okay? I grabbed a water bottle for you in case you need it, and I have to head to practice, but someone will stop by later in the day, okay?”

“Leon, why did you do this for me?” Matthew asked. He looked so young with his crumpled T-shirt and disheveled hair and Leon recalled this was how Matthew had looked when he’d first fallen in love with him.

“I- I don’t know,” Leon said honestly. 

“Hey,” Matthew asked after he pulled Leon aside. Matthew still wasn’t practicing, but was slowly making progress to return to normal. He was back to check in with the trainers while the rest of them practiced as usual. “Did you take something out of my room?” Matthew asked.

“The article?” Leon asked.

Matthew nodded sheepishly.

“I threw it away,” Leon said simply. Before Matthew had a chance to protest, Leon just held up his hand, “Stop. Just stop, okay, because I know you’ve been looking at that newspaper every day. It’s probably the first thing you look at when you wake up and the last thing you see when you go to sleep and you’re torturing yourself, Matthew. That’s not healthy for you and it’s not good for the team.

“And I don’t feel that way anymore for what it’s worth,” Leon said, “I should have never said that much less to the media. That wasn’t fair and it wasn’t true.”

“You know after that hit, my father pretty much told me the same thing.”

“It was a bad hit, but it wasn’t a dirty one,” Leon said, “But even though it wasn’t a dirty one, that hit changed the course of my career, and worst of all, it was you who did that, and that’s hard for me to reconcile.”

“I never meant to hurt you,” Matthew said, “You have to know, you’re the last person that I would ever want to hurt.”

“I know,” Leon said, “But you still did, and I don’t know to know how to deal with that. You were supposed to be the person who would never hurt me and in one horrible, awful game, my career almost ended, we ended, our future was over just like that and I don’t know how the person who loved me the most could cause all that.

“But I also know that I hurt you a lot, too. I know that I hurt you when I didn’t pick up the phone all the times you called and I know that I’ve been hurting you a lot since I’ve gotten here. And honestly, I don’t know how to stop hurting you. I don’t know how to stop wanting to punish you for everything that changed and for not wanting what I wanted.”

“What didn’t I want?” Matthew asked.

“What?” 

“What didn’t I want that you did?” Matthew asked, “Because I wanted everything with you.”

“You didn’t want to be a family with me,” Leon said.

“What?” Matthew asked.

“That sort of hit, you never would have attempted with Brady, or Luke or Robby for that matter. And I know things were different with us,” Leon said, “I know that we didn’t have as much history as you do with them, and obviously, I’m not you brother, but still, I know I would have never attempted a hit as risky with you because I know you could have gotten hurt, and I realized that day that you wouldn’t do the same for me. And I think that’s what hurt the most.”

“I didn’t know that,” Matthew said.

Leon shrugged, “It’s fine, but yeah, I guess that’s what I’m the most upset about. I wanted everything with you and to protect you, and you didn’t feel the same way.”

“I-” Matthew started, but he didn’t know what to say. Sorry didn’t cover it, and even though he’d heard iterations of this over the years, it was still new to him at least in this way. This Leon wasn’t angry, he was tired and defeated and that almost felt worse. 

“I didn’t know,” Matthew settled on, “You didn’t tell me.”

Leon shrugged, “Yeah. I guess I thought you knew.”

“We’re grabbing dinner,” Brady announced after they played the Senators away. Matthew was hanging around warily, carefully watching the interaction between his brother and Leon unsure of exactly what was going to unfold. 

“Go away, Matthew,” Brady warned, “You’re not invited.” He wrapped an arm protectively around Leon’s shoulders. “Besides, I’ll see you in three weeks.” Leon could tell that Matthew wanted to protest. He glanced at them concerned.

“Come on, Matty, we were friends, too,” Brady said. Leon knew that the only reason he’d become friends with Brady and to a lesser extent Taryn was because he’d dated Matthew for a few years. 

“Do I have a choice?” Leon asked.

“Nope, and you’re paying by the way,” Brady said.

Leon rolled his eyes, but he would have paid anyways. He couldn’t imagine whatever Brady wanted to tell him would be more important than spending time with his brother. 

“I wanted to talk to you,” Brady said, “But to be honest, I wasn’t sure if you would pick up the phone if you saw a Tkachuk calling.”

“I probably wouldn’t have,” Leon admitted. 

“You know just because Matthew’s my brother and I’m his biggest fan doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have faults. Believe me,” Brady said but despite the criticism, the words were filled with love. 

“You’re pretty much legally obligated to take Matthew’s side.”  
“That never happened when we were kids,” Brady said, “And besides, I take Matthew’s side against people who are mean to him, like Drew Doughty or… not you.”

Leon could fill in the blank for who Brady didn’t mention. 

“So where are we going?” Leon asked.

“There’s a steakhouse pretty close to the hotel that you guys are staying at that’s pretty good.”

“Lead the way,” Leon said. 

“Connor McDavid had some interesting things to say to me the last time we were in Edmonton,” Brady said when they were seated at the table.

“I can only imagine,” Leon said dryly. 

“I heard you took care of Matthew when he was concussed, so thanks, I guess, for that,” Brady said. 

“You know, Dad was always the hardest on Matthew,” Brady said, “Maybe that was because they were so similar or maybe that was just because Matthew was the firstborn and Dad didn’t really know how to be a father yet. But there were a couple of things that he wanted Matthew to know. First, be a good teammate and second, always finish your checks. Dad taught him how to be a hell of a hockey player but he didn’t teach him how to be a good boyfriend, and he didn’t teach him unconditional love.”

These were all things that Leon had figured out when they were dating. Keith’s love was largely conditional towards Matthew and even though Keith loved his son, and Leon was sure of that, Matthew had always been striving for his father’s approval. It didn’t come easily and really it only came with hockey and that was why Matthew had put hockey above everything else, even Leon.

“You were so good for him,” Brady said, “I think you were pretty much the closest to unconditional love outside of hockey that he had, maybe that he’ll ever have. You and I both know he shouldn’t have made that hit on you. But he didn’t. Because he was never thinking about you at that moment, he was just thinking about hockey.”

“Wasn’t that the problem?” Leon asked. “He wasn’t thinking about me, nothing else mattered besides hockey.”

“But he knows better now, he knew better pretty much right after that hit when he realized he was losing you. Do you know how devastated he was when he heard that he’d caused a season ending injury and even more when you wouldn’t answer him, when you texted him not to come?”

“I couldn’t-”

“And I’m not judging you,” Brady said, “I know how much Matthew was hurt but I can’t imagine how painful that was knowing he was the reason for your injury. But he’s not the same person he was back then. Look at how he plays now. It’s different. It’s more cautious.”

“He hasn’t even apologized,” Leon said.

“Would it have made a difference?” Brady asked, “Because it would be him asking for absolution and not forgiveness and that probably would have just made you more angry.”

“Maybe,” Leon said, “But I still wanted to hear it, to know that it affected him in any way because it completely destroyed me.”

Brady paused for a moment and chewed at his lip. There was an internal battle waging and Leon knew Brady was weighing what he could tell Leon with what he should. Leon knew that despite Brady’s sympathies towards him, Matthew was his brother, his loyalties and his protection of Matthew’s privacy would always take precedent.

“I don’t know how much Matthew told you about our childhood when you were dating, but I know you saw how things were with Dad. Matthew spent our entire childhoods protecting me and maybe that was because he was the oldest, but I think he would have done it no matter what. Dad had the highest and the hardest expectations for him and I think he took the burden of it to protect me, but Dad taught him how to fight and be gritty and get back up, he never taught him how to apologize and make amends or show his emotions and be a good partner. I’m not defending him, I know that what Matthew did was wrong, I know that what he didn’t do afterwards made things worse and I know he hurt you so much. But he also really loved you, he always loved you.”

“I don’t know what you want me to do with that?” Leon asked. 

Brady shrugged, “I just thought you should know that. Matthew pretends he doesn’t give a shit about things, but he does. He didn’t sleep well for months after your injury and it haunted him. It still does.”

“I didn’t know you and Brady Tkachuk were friends,” one of the rookies said after Leon returned to their hotel. 

“Yeah, we’re friendly,” Leon said, “I wasn’t expecting to grab dinner with him tonight, though, so that was a surprise.”

“After the way that you and Chucky hate each other I thought that extended to the rest of his family.”

“I don’t hate him, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t hate me,” Leon said, “it’s just complicated.”

The rookie snorted as if that was an understatement.

“Well, Matthew and I dated for two years,” Leon said. The rookie shut up. His mouth gaped a little and Leon watched as he tried to process it, “It’s an open secret on the team, everyone who was here two years ago knows already. Well, see you tomorrow.” Leon smirked as the rookie just stared in shock and Leon left him there in the hallway. 

A little while later, Matthew knocked on his hotel room door awkwardly waiting to talk to Leon.

“Hey,” Matthew said. 

“Hey,” Leon replied.

“I don’t know what Brady said to you, but I’m sorry, he shouldn’t have said anything,” Matthew apologized. 

Leon shrugged, “It’s okay, it was a good conversation, I learned a lot. Besides, I never held anything that happened against him or Taryn.”

Matthew flinched. 

“Oh, well, good,” Matthew said, “Should I even ask what Brady said?”

“Nothing too embarrassing, I promise,” Leon said with a faint smile.

“Oh, good,” Matthew said and for a moment he turned towards the door, hoping for an easy exit, “Um, I’m sorry by the way, for that hit, for hurting you, for ruining us.”

“Did Brady tell you to apologize?” Leon asked.

“No!” Matthew reassured him, “I wanted to apologize, I’ve wanted to apologize for so long, but Brady just said that you might accept hearing it.”

“Thanks, it does mean a lot,” Leon said.

“I should have done it a while ago,” Matthew said.

“Maybe, but you still did it, and I know that couldn’t have been easy for you, so I appreciate it,” Leon said. Matthew nodded and went to leave, “Oh by the way, one of the rookies found out we used to date.”

“He found out?” Matthew said.

“Well, I told him,” Leon said, “It seemed a little mean to keep him in the dark, but I just wanted to give you a heads up in case he asks.”

“I’m surprised that you told him about the worst mistake of your life,” Matthew said with a bitter chuckle at his own joke. 

Leon frowned, “I- is that how you think I view our relationship?”

“Can you honestly tell me you would go back and do things all over again you would?” Matthew asked.

“No, I wouldn’t. I would do so many things differently,” Leon admitted, “but I would never not date you. That was the best relationship of my life.”

“Until…”

“Until the end,” Leon said, “But even now, I don’t think I would have ended it, at least not that way.”

Things went to hell during the father’s trip. Leon had never particularly liked Keith even when he and Matthew were dating, but since then, Leon had fallen out of favor with him. He knew that Matthew was responsible for his own choices, and ultimately it was Matthew and Matthew alone who had made the hit that had ruined his career. But in the back of Leon’s mind, he knew that Matthew made those choices because of Keith. 

He’d witnessed Keith’s parenting when he’d visited St. Louis in the summer. He’d seen how no matter how hard Matthew trained, Keith was convinced that he wasn’t doing enough for the season. Hockey was the subject of most dinner conversations while he was there, and it probably would have been for all of them if Chantel and Taryn hadn’t occasionally stepped it. Leon was used to hockey dads, and if that was all Keith was, then maybe things would have been different. But he also made Matthew the butt of many of his jokes. One in particular stood out to Leon while they were on the golf course. “I’m surprised that Matthew’s dating someone honestly, he doesn’t love anyone but himself,” Keith had said. It was the type of chirp that you’d hear in a locker room amongst teammates, but Keith wasn’t a teammate. He was Matthew’s father. “I think you’ll find that Matthew loves with all of his heart,” Leon said. It was true. Matthew might not love easily, but he loved hard. He loved his family hard and he had loved Leon hard. 

Keith had seemed taken aback by that. Maybe because he was unaccustomed to people talking back to him or maybe because he had so poorly misjudged his son. Leon took his turn to swing and they went through the rest of the golf outing pretending like nothing had happened. 

It had weighed on Leon’s mind the time that he was in St. Louis and one night he’d brought it up when they were ready to go to sleep. It was only in the darkness where Leon couldn’t see Matthew’s face that he felt comfortable enough to broach the subject. 

“Does it bother you?” Leon asked, “When your dad talks to you the way he does?”

“I mean, your dad played hockey, too,” Matthew said.

“Yeah, but he’s not like that,” Leon said, “He’s not like Keith.”

“Few people are like Keith,” Matthew said sarcastically, and Leon realized his sarcasm was a shield for his vulnerability. 

“I mean, my dad wouldn’t have cared about me if I didn’t play hockey,” Matthew had said when Leon once brought up his concerns to Matthew, “So I guess it’s better that it’s this way than if he didn’t care about me at all.” Matthew shrugged it off. Maybe the discomfort was something that Matthew had felt as a child, but he’d grown to accept it and had made his peace with it, even if Leon hadn’t. 

Even though they had broken up and things had soured to the point that Leon’s skin crawled if he was around Matthew for too long, he still felt that Matthew had deserved better. Maybe if he had been properly loved and maybe if he’d been told that hockey wasn’t everything things would have been different for them, for Leon.

Leon’s own father hadn’t been able to make the trip from Germany which was fine since he’d been to several before. If this was Leon’s first time on a Father’s Trip maybe it would have bothered him more, but the only annoyance was that his teammates would all be spending time with their fathers while he would have to amuse himself.

“Why don’t you grab dinner with us?” Keith suggested and Leon knew that it was probably just a friendly offer for someone who wasn’t with his own dad. The thought, though, of Keith taking the place of his own father unsettled Leon’s stomach.

“Thank you for the invitation,” Leon said as Matthew was protesting as well, “But I think I’m just going to have an early night in.”

“Come on,” Keith pressed.

“Dad, he doesn’t want to,” Matthew said quietly. Leon smiled faintly, thankful that Matthew had picked up on it. His idea of hell was being stuck in an hours long dinner with his ex-boyfriend and his ex-boyfriend’s father. 

Leon hunkered down for a night in, ordering room service and curling up with an old hoodie, some sweatpants and turning on some mindless show on E!

He headed out to grab some ice from the ice machine later that night and much to his surprise and dismay, he ran into Keith.

“It turns out I know my son better than you do, he isn’t capable of loving another person,” Keith said. And something, maybe the last of Leon’s restraint, snapped. 

“I never said anything before because of Matthew, but I don’t really care anymore,” Leon said, “Matthew deserves better than you.”

“Come on, I’m just joking,” Keith said.

“That’s what people say when they don’t want to take responsibility for the impact of their words. All he’s ever wanted is your approval and love and instead you treat him like a joke,” Leon said, “He loved me a lot, and maybe we aren’t together anymore and things are bad between us, now, but he loved me and I loved him and he is deserving of unconditional love even if you can’t provide that.”

There was a gasp from behind them and Leon looked over Keith’s shoulder to see Matthew had left his room and entered in the hallway. Leon wasn’t sure how long he’d been there or how much he’d overheard, but that was Keith’s problem, not his. He didn’t regret anything that he’d said. Keith had been itching for a fight and this time Leon had taken the bait, but nothing that he said wasn’t true. 

“You couldn’t do that either, if I remember correctly,” Keith said, and Leon could tell that his words had stung, he just wasn’t sure if they had hurt Keith’s feelings or his ego. That was the way that Matthew and Keith were similar, when they were hurt they lashed out. 

Leon retreated back to his hotel room, replaying what had happened in his head. He’d probably wake up tomorrow and realize that he’d picked a fight with one of the most well-known hockey players, but tonight he’d just fought with his ex-boyfriend’s father. 

A little while later, there was a knock on the door and Leon saw Matthew awkwardly shifting his weight in front of the door. Leon had half a mind to just ignore him, but instead he opened up. 

“Hey,” Matthew said, he was chewing on his lip which Leon recognized as Matthew’s way to keep himself from crying.

“Hey, how much of that did you hear earlier?” Leon asked.

“Enough,” Matthew said. He looked so small and Leon hated the way that Matthew looked when he was around Keith. He didn’t look like one of the NHL’s bad boys, but instead resembled a small child, always just a mean comment away from breaking, “I just didn’t want to be in my room anymore and it’s a little hard when most of your team grew up idolizing Keith Tkachuk.”

Leon pushed his door open, “You can sit on the chair.”

Matthew sat down on the chair while Leon sprawled across the bed. He was acutely aware of Matthew’s presence in the room. Every shift, every movement put Leon on edge. Two years ago, Matthew would have been curled up on the bed next to Leon, but the distance between them gaped the room.

Neither of them were particularly watching the show. Leon found himself watching Matthew who was staring vaguely at the television. 

“Are you okay?” Leon asked, breaking Matthew out of his trance. 

“I’m sorry about my dad,” Matthew said, artfully dodging Leon’s question.

“I am too,” Leon said. 

“I didn’t think you’d care,” Matthew said. 

“It would be easier if I didn’t,” Leon said, “But just because you hurt me doesn’t mean I stopped caring. You’ll never be good enough for him,” Leon said, “And you are, you always have been more than good enough.”

Matthew opened his mouth to argue, but Leon interrupted him. “Just watch the show, Matthew,” and Leon couldn’t help the small smile that was put on his face. They sat in silence for a while, occasionally pulling out their phones and scrolling through Instagram or replying to texts that they’d forgotten for a while. 

It wasn’t a comfortable silence, but it was bearable. Leon wasn’t sure how long they sat like that, but it must have been hours because when Leon looked over to Matthew, he was curled up against the chair already asleep. 

There were things that Leon should have probably said or asked, but he no longer had the right to. A lot changed in two years, and they were different people than they were before. But Matthew had come to him, Matthew knew that despite everything, if he ever needed an ally against Keith, Leon was it. 

Leon grabbed the comforter off his bed and gently draped it over Matthew’s body. He couldn’t do much for Matthew anymore and there was a lot that was unsaid. There was a lot that remained unspoken that only exes who had the privilege of knowing each other's deepest secrets and family dynamics that were closely guarded and could only be learned over time. 

“Thanks for last night,” Matthew said shyly, “I know… that meant a lot to me.”

“You’re welcome,” Leon said, “that was the quietest you’ve ever been.”

“Was that a joke?” Matthew asked.

Leon shrugged, “If you need a break from Keith later tonight, they have a Say Yes to the Dress marathon on TLC.”

“I’ll probably need it,” Matthew said. 

“Bring snacks, if you do come,” Leon said.

Matthew laughed. 

At nine o’clock, there was a knock on Leon’s door and even though he’d extended the invitation to Matthew, he wasn’t sure if Matthew would have accepted it. He opened the door, though, and Matthew held a bag from CVS in his hands. 

“Keith was annoying you?” Leon asked.

“Fuck, if I have to hear one more time about ‘back in my day’...” Matthew rolled his eyes. The annoyance with Keith seemed less sensitive now, compared to the day before. 

“You still remembered,” Leon said, staring at the licorice. 

“It’s not exactly the Swedish stuff that you liked, but this was the closest thing,” Matthew said nonchalantly.

Leon’s heart constricted though. He stammered out a quick excuse that he needed to go to the bathroom.

To: Brady 

_Matthew still loves me doesn’t he._

Brady’s response was almost immediate. 

_What the fuck did my dumbass brother do?_

To: Brady

_He remembered my favorite movie snack._

The phone rang in response, “Is that a metaphor or something…” 

“A metaphor for what?” Leon hissed. 

“I don’t know, like a sexual thing…” Brady said, “Whatever.”

“No, like, he remembered that I liked Swedish licorice,” Leon said. 

“Okay…” Brady said, “I’m not following.”

“He remembered that I liked Swedish licorice and you don't do that for people you don’t love,” Leon said.

Brady sighed, “I think you should have this conversation with him.”

“I can’t,” Leon said, “Not if it will just bring back everything from two years ago.”

“Why is everything always so difficult between you two?” Brady asked.

“I don’t know, maybe because we’re two sides of the same coin,” Leon said. 

“You just need to talk,” Brady said, “and actually listen.”

If Matthew noticed that Leon had had a freakout in the bathroom, he didn’t mention anything. Instead, they just watched the show together, enjoying the quiet except for the occasionally rustling of the bag or chewing.

“Hey, can I ask you a question?” Matthew asked, staring at the television ahead. 

“Do I have to answer it?” Leon asked.

“No,” Matthew said, his fingers played with the bag of M&Ms he was eating out of, “But I’ve been wondering about a few things.” 

“Okay,” Leon said.

“Did you mean what you said to my father?” Matthew asked.

“About?”

“Me being deserving of unconditional love,” Matthew said.

“Oh, yeah,” Leon said, “of course I meant it. You deserve everything.” 

“I don’t get you sometimes,” Matthew said. “If you feel that way then why do you still hate me?” Matthew asked.

“I don’t,” Leon said, “It would be easier if I did. I haven’t, not for a while, to be honest, I’m not sure if I ever hated you.”

“I know you think I ruined your life,” Matthew said after a long silence, “And maybe I did, but I ruined my life in the process.”

“I meant what I said, you deserve to be loved unconditionally,” Leon said, “Keith wasn’t wrong, I couldn’t be that for you. That had nothing to do with the hit.”

“You were probably the closest that I’ll ever have to that,” Matthew said.

“I really did love you,” Leon said in agreement. “You know, you’ve gotten better about talking about your feelings, now.”

Matthew laughed, “At least all the hours of therapy that I spent talking about you has paid off for something.”

“You went to therapy for me?” Leon asked.

“Well, it wasn’t just you,” Matthew said, “It was stuff about Brady and dad, and you, and that hit, but mostly it was for me.” 

“Can I ask you a question?” Leon asked.

“It’s only fair,” Matthew said. 

“Do you still love me?” Leon asked.

“I- I don’t think I want to answer that,” Matthew said.

“Really?” Leon said, thought not unkindly, “I respect that.”

“I just don’t know what answer you want to hear,” Matthew said.

Leon shrugged, “I guess the truth.”

“Yeah, I still love you. Sorry,” Matthew said.

“You don’t need to apologize for that,” Leon said.

“I don’t want to burden you with my feelings,” Matthew said. 

“I still love you, too,” Leon admitted. He saw Matthew glance over at him, “Yeah, I was hurt and angry and maybe there’s a part of me that still is, but I still love you. That’s why everything that happened between us hurt so much. It’s because the people we love the most have the power to hurt us the deepest. And I also know that I hurt you a lot.”

“So where does that leave us?” Matthew asked.

“We can either try again or we can just leave it out there,” Leon said, “I don’t know what you want, and honestly I don’t know what I want either, but I know that I’ve never loved anyone more than I loved you and I know that things weren’t perfect, but fuck, we were good together.”

“Do you think we can move forward?” Matthew asked.

“I… I think so,” Leon said, “I really hope so.”

“So maybe we just figure things out together,” Matthew said, “Take it one day at a time.”

“I like that,” Leon said. 

Matthew smiled and still stared ahead at the television but with a weight that was lifted off of his chest and genuine hope for the first time in a while. 

“Would you maybe like to grab dinner with me tonight?” Matthew asked after they were back in Calgary and their fathers had flown home.

“Is this a team thing or a date?” Leon asked. 

“A date, if that’s okay?” Matthew asked shyly. 

“Sure,” Leon said. 

“I’ll pick you up at seven then,” Matthew said and Leon tried to quell the flutter of butterflies in his stomach at Matthew’s invitation and how adorable he was and how shy and timid he was.

As promised, Matthew arrived outside his apartment a few minutes before seven. Leon had made an effort, wearing a button down shirt to go under one of his more casual suitcoats, but Matthew… fuck he looked good. 

“Hi,” Matthew said.

“Hi,” Leon replied. 

“I picked a new place for both of us, I think,” Matthew said. The symbolism didn’t escape Leon. A new place for a new start. 

They drove in quiet, idle chatter to the restaurant, a fun gastropub that Leon was pretty sure he’d seen on one of Calgary’s Restaurants to Watch Lists. Midway through the drive, Leon reached his hand across the console and grabbed one of Matthew’s. It felt so natural like the past two years hadn’t even happened and Matthew shifted his hand to better intertwine their fingers. 

Matthew’s fingers drummed against the table, a tell-tale sign of nerves that Leon wasn’t used to seeing. 

“You weren’t this nervous for our first date,” Leon said.

“The stakes were lower,” Matthew said, “I didn’t know how much I wanted to be with you then.”

“And now?” Leon asked. 

“I’ve had two years to think about only it,” Matthew said. 

“Just relax,” Leon said as he enveloped Matthew’s hand in his own. 

“You make me nervous,” Matthew said. He started to talk about their practice but Leon interrupted him.

“Nope, we’re not talking about that,” Leon said, “No, hockey talk tonight.”

So Matthew shifted the conversation to Taryn and then to Brady and Leon enjoyed hearing about his family. Matthew lit up talking about them, the pride evident in his voice as he updated Leon on what had happened in the past two years. He asked about Leon’s family, about his latest visit to Germany and Leon showed him a video of Bowie’s latest trick. And they slid back into an easy natural rhythm. It was cautious and with a politeness that seemed foreign to the joking nature that they’d had before, but it was okay.

Matthew walked Leon back to his apartment after they finished eating. 

“Goodnight, Leon,” he said before he hesitantly kissed Leon on the cheek. 

“Goodnight,” Leon replied. 

“It was good, right?” Matthew asked.

“It was perfect,” Leon said, and it was. 

They went on a few more dates like that, going to the movies, going to restaurants, and when they were really tired, just spending time in each other’s apartments watching whatever was on TV. Leon had boiled some pasta for dinner and they were sitting on the couch watching the Celtics game. Matthew was resting up against him, laying back against Leon’s chest as they watched the game. Leon couldn’t have cared less, but Matthew supported the Celtics and while Matthew paid attention to the game, Leon watched him.

“I better head out,” Matthew said after the game wrapped and the Celtics won. He pulled out of Leon’s grasp and leaned down to kiss him. 

Leon caught his arm, though, “You can stay, if you want.”

Matthew scrutinized him, “Okay.” His mouth widened into a grin. Leon kissed him, standing up as he fiddled with the hem of Matthew’s shirt.

“Fuck, I want you so much,” Leon said. 

Matthew gently stroked Leon’s hair and kept kissing him, leading him to the bedroom that had yet to be christened. 

Leon pressed Matthew into the bed. It wasn’t as familiar as it used to be between the two of them. He gently stroked his fingers down Matthew’s back, feeling the ridges and ripples of his spine. It was slow and gentle enough to make Matthew shiver. 

“Please,” Matthew begged as he fisted into the sheets. The wait was almost agonizing as Leon carefully kissed his way down Matthew’s shoulder. He nipped at his ribs, not enough to make a mark or hurt in any way, but the sensation made Matthew flinch. 

He grabbed a condom and gently entered him. It was painstakingly slow, careful to not cause any pain or discomfort, and Leon watched Matthew’s reaction.

Matthew’s eyes dilated, “More, please.” 

It had been so long since they’d been so close, Leon pushed further into him and Matthew just relaxed into the feeling. His breathing shallowed out as Leon kept murmuring things in his ear.  
“You’re so beautiful,” he said as he kissed Matthew’s neck and started to move. This is what Matthew remembered. The way their bodies fused together and how Leon had memorized every centimeter of Matthew. 

Matthew pressed his face into the pillow, stifling his moans as Leon pushed him to the edge. 

“Let go,” Leon said, and Matthew did. He came with a low moan as Leon continued to move in him and suddenly it was too much. It was everything that Matthew had wanted. Everything he had imagined when Leon didn’t speak to him. He compared every other man who he slept with to Leon, thought about how Leon would touch him differently, how Leon would have been firm but gentle. And now he had that once again. 

Leon came with a grunt in him, laying down on Matthew’s back, before he noticed the way that Matthew’s shoulders were shaking in a silent sob. 

“Matthew,” Leon asked, immediately sobering up from the post-sex fog, and pulling out. “Matty?” He coaxed Matthew to turn over, “Shit, did I hurt you? What’s wrong?”

Somehow, the concern made things even worse as Leon propped himself up on one arm and gently smoothed the curls away from Matthew’s face.

“I’m sorry,” Matthew said as he wiped tears away from his face. 

“For what?” Leon asked as he pulled up the sheet to provide them with some modesty. 

“Fuck, for this,” Matthew gave a watery laugh and moved to pull away from Leon but Leon just held him close. 

“Don’t apologize,” Leon said, running a soothing hand down Matthew’s back, “What’s going on.”

“It’s just, I never thought I could have this again. You and me,” Matthew said.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry for making you feel that way and for hurting you, but I’m here now,” Leon said, “and we’re together and I love you.”

Matthew smiled, “I love you, too.”

And as Leon fell asleep with Matthew in his arms, he noted the stiffness in his leg that usually kept him awake had dulled. Things weren’t perfect and he knew that things wouldn’t be, they hadn’t been perfect before, and they wouldn’t be perfect now, but things were good, and despite the history that they shared they’d made it this far and that made Leon hopeful for the future no matter what it had in store for them. 

**Author's Note:**

> There will probably be a sequel to this, but I really hope you all enjoyed this fic!


End file.
